Only God Knows
by bloodypleasure
Summary: Shinya has secrets, will Die still have the same feelings when he finds them out?


**Only God Knows**

Shinya sighed with annoyance; and Die had to interrupt before Shinya said anything. As the drummer turned and walked away to preserve his code for professional disputes Die watched Shinya go and when he was out of range Die turned back to Yoshiki.

"Don't you think this is getting ridiculous?" Die asked him in the most reasonable voice he could. "Shinya has been working just as hard as the rest of us. And I don't know about the rest of the band but we all need a break if we're to do the best." Yoshiki raised a manicured brow and Die sighed.

"How is it in anyway not appropriate? Shinya hasn't done a solo interview in enough time to where this would be the next media step." Yoshiki reached in his pocket as his phone ringed. "No excuses." Yoshiki closed the conversation as he walked away and for once the easygoing guitarist felt slight hatred for his manager. Yoshiki had a fast paced life, and efficiently kept it that way; his professional life was his personal life and expected it to be the same with everyone who worked for him. Shinya though, literally had a life expecting him to be able to take care of him. Die sighed, rubbed his temples and proceeded to find Shinya to tell him the less then hopeful news.

"Shin!" Die called as he entered the practice room to find Shinya at his drums with headphones on as he pounded his anger out. Die stopped for more than the loud sound, Shinya had taken off his shirt to drum without the light fabric getting dirty from his body. Die covered his ears protectively as he neared Shinya's rampant musical storm. The headphones over his ears and his tightly closed eyes made Die know two things, Shinya was angrier than Die originally thought, and that he was in fact quite the talented drummer. Die winced slightly as he stood next to Shinya and placed a hand on Shinya's slightly damp shoulder, uncovering his other ear as Shinya jolted and stopped playing. "The interview is still on." Die didn't wince though he didn't expect Shinya's angry curse. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" Die asked and Shinya took multiple calming breaths before he looked at Die.

"I need to get shopping done, housework done, groom Miyu, and basically take care of what I've put off. Can you do all of that for me? And why would I even ask you to?" Shinya stood. Die thought for a second before shocking himself.

"I'll do it." Die noticed the shocked look from Shinya. "It's the least I can do after not getting Yoshiki to understand that we need time outside of the studio." Die explained and not seeing Shinya's face change and not understanding why this suddenly became so important to him Die shifted. "C'mon, you deserve a day off as much as the rest of us and preventing that, this is really the least I can do. Besides, do you trust anyone else to do it?" Die changed tactics knowing Shinya held him in high respect despite his usual actions to him. Second to and fittingly to Kaoru, who had much of Die's own respect. Shinya shook his head and exhaled slowly.

"Alright, give me a minute and I'll write what you need to do." Shinya started to walk away, mentally deciding what he would allow Die to do. Die caught Shinya's shoulder again. When the drummer turned Die tried to shake the slight confusion in his mind.

"Everything you have to do." Die tightened his grip slightly on Shinya's shoulder. "Everything Shin." The drummer nodded, confused by Die's sudden interest. As Die waited he debated messing with Shinya's drums, just move one slightly to see if he noticed, then chastised himself. Die walked to his guitar as he waited, Shinya moving diligently in the connecting room. Plugging his guitar in and plugging headphones into the amp Die started playing to pass the time, sure that once he started time would pass much faster, not being a patient person. Shinya came back in to see Die rocking back and forth like he did often during lived, his back bowed slightly and his longer hair swaying with his slower rocking. Shinya was tempted to wait in case the song was important before deciding to just interrupt. Shinya, now that his mind was made up walked quickly to Die; jumping the guitarist twanged a cord in a very bad way and winced as his ears rang slightly. Pulling his headphones off his ears and smoothing his dark brown hair sheepishly.

"Here, and I had an assistant run to make a copy key for you." Shinya handed Die an envelope. Inside, a paper covered in Shinya's neat writing and a small metal key. Die nodded and added the key to his set of keys, noting the key had Shinya's name written carefully. "Miyu is in a strange mood, so approach her carefully." Shinya sighed as Die looked confused. "If I forgot anything, or you have questions call me, you know the number?" Shinya got ready to give Die his number before the guitarist laughed. "What?"

"Are you sure you don't want to just tape a video recorder to me?" Die asked tapping his forehead. Shinya frowned before punching Die in the arm without warning. "Ouch!" Die rubbed at him arm as Shinya smiled slightly in satisfaction. "Alright. I'll be as efficient as possible." Die knew how Shinya hated invasions of privacy. Shinya nodded gratefully as a small figured assistant came up to the pair and nervously told Shinya it was time to go. Die collected his things as Shinya left and followed the address he was given earlier in the day, when he drove Shinya in, as his car was in the shop. Die was nervous, exceedingly so since he hadn't even set foot in Shinya's house. Sure Kaoru had, Kaoru had been in nearly everyone's house in the band.

Setting foot in the apartment Die really almost couldn't believe that it was Shinya's apartment; the meticulous drummer didn't seem to live in an apartment that was so…Die looked around as he shut the door behind him, disheveled. Die shrugged as he sat on a chair in the living room, pulling out the paper to read it.

'Please first feed Miyu, the food is beneath the middle cabinets under the sink. Her grooming tools are beneath the coffee table. She gets a bowl of both food and water. If she barks and scratches at the door during the time you are there it means she has to go to the bathroom. Please don't worry about picking up the place; I'll do that when I get home. Leave the dishes a well if there are any from this morning. Please switch my laundry; the dirty laundry is in a canvas hamper in my bedroom next to the door. My room is the third room in the hallway next to the kitchen. If you're not sure whistle, the room Miyu runs out of is the bedroom. Don't worry about folding the laundry or putting it away either; I can do that as well.'

Die sighed as he realized that Shinya wasn't letting him do the chores, just the easiest part of the chores and sighed. Shinya had left out a lot that needed done and Die hung his jacket on the arm of the chair as he took off his button-up and set the dark blue fabric down neatly on top. Clad in his jeans and a tank top Die whistled, seeing Miyu bound out of the only hallway in the apartment Die felt slightly insulted Shinya would think he didn't know where his room was. Deciding not to read the second page Die set them on top of his shirt. Miyu stopped as the small dog entered the room, crouching down low and barking rapidly, her small body hopping slightly with the force of her barks. Smiling Die crouched as well. Pulling from his pocket small treats he brought to befriend the dog. Miyu stopped as Die tossed one at her, sniffing the treat, bone shaped and fragrant Miyu quickly discovered a new fondness for the guitarist as Die held out more. Miyu quickly warmed up to the guitarist, and Die couldn't help a smile as Miyu turned over for Die to pet her stomach. Die picked up the small dog and brought her into the kitchen as Die looked around, the kitchen wasn't cluttered…nothing in the house was messy, just for the drummer, who had a place for everything of his to not have his apartment to be in crystal condition must have been what was stressing the drummer out. Die filled Miyu's blue plastic bowls and watched her for a minute before quickly picking up everything that was out of place in the kitchen, motivated by his slight guilt about terrorizing Shinya all the time. Die shifted slightly, something wasn't quite normal. Die chuckled slightly, at his own apartment; cleaning was always done with music. Walking back to the living room Die looked for something that played music. A small stereo hooked up to larger speakers caught Die's attention. Pressing play Die raised a brow at the thumping music that pounded through the speaker. Die shrugged, not wanting to change the music in the stereo simply because his cleaning music was different. Die started nodding to the base beat, starting to see why Shinya enjoyed the music as Die started cleaning the kitchen. Smiling at the picture of Shinya and him, the only picture Die could see in the main apartment with Shinya in it as well. It didn't take very long, only mild cleaning and setting everything neatly away, Die hoped he got the places right as he went to the laundry room, wanting to have enough time to fold the laundry before Shinya got home. The laundry room was cleaner than Die's and the guitarist made a mental note to clean his home when he finished here. The laundry was easy to switch, Die not a stranger to the process, and he carried the clean clothes to Shinya's bedroom sitting on the floor nearby the bed Die started folding the laundry. Picking up dark jeans Die was amazed at the size; he had dated very attractive women with larger pants. Die smirked, knowing his next joke to tease Shinya. Die sorted the shirts from the pants, the socks into pairs then laughed finding a pair of women's underwear.

"Someone's got a trophy." Die sang as Miyu curled up nearby in a blue dog bed, yawning and stretching. Die chuckled and continued folding. As he stood he put the basket back in front of the dryer as he went back to grab the hamper, undoing the Velcro straps to lift the bag out of the metal frame and carrying it to the washer, as he loaded the clothes Die hummed slightly, not quite paying attention to what was going in, not particularly caring. Miyu padded in and twirled, wanting some attention. Die chuckled, he watched Miyu play as he started the wash then waited the short time for the dryer to be done. Miyu enjoyed the audience besides Shinya and showed off all the tricks she knew. Die was a raptured audience, not having a pet of his own he envied Shinya slightly. Die took the clothes out of the dryer and set it in the bed room before concentrating on cleaning the rest of the premises, sure that Shinya couldn't get mad at him for cleaning his apartment more than he wanted of it was already done and he left. Tossing another treat at Miyu, Die gave a happy half-shout as Miyu jumped and caught it mid-air. Die looked around and smiled, he had cleaned the apartment in only a few hours, having plenty of time to groom Miyu and fold the last of the laundry. Miyu jumped in Die's lap as he pulled out the basket. Miyu accommodated the very inexperienced at grooming guitarist. It took longer, Die was sure than how long it took Shinya, but at the end of it Miyu looked quite pretty. Die stood as Miyu went to get a drink and hummed, letting his mind wander to what Shinya might do when he got home as he pulled the clothes out of the dryer. Walking back to Shinya's bedroom Die began the task of folding, pausing when he folded the third pair of women's underpants. Shinya wasn't dating anyone, and Die doubted he kept their underwear as a trophy this many times. Die stood and walked to the western styled dresser in Shinya's room, rummaging on top through all the backstage band photos and looked through the drawers carefully, then throughout the bedroom. There wasn't a pair of male underwear anywhere. Die could feel a slow hot feeling slide down his spine. Shinya wore girls' underpants. Die repeated the sentence out loud before smirking and chuckling and going back to folding, paying considerably closer attention. Die couldn't help studying the underwear, most were plain cotton, low cut of course, with a lacier edge. Die was hoping to find something interesting he found a pair significantly different, with a black leather panel in the front the back was complete lace, black as well. Die cold feel an almost shameful feeling pool in his lap. Die could very easily imagine these on Shinya, his feminine, small and lithe hips encased lovingly. Die turned the underwear over to examine the lace when small straps that were caught in the lace came free. Three straps on each side, Die swallowed when he realized it came with garters, and probably a belt. Shinya would probably wear smoky stockings to match. Die hurriedly folded and set the underwear in its place on the bed, folding the rest of the clothes and finishing his job in the house. Die quickly put on his shirt, not bothering to button it, and slung on his jacket. Petting Miyu quickly Die opened the door to leave and nearly ran into Shinya.

"Ah, Die." Shinya jumped before sighing and slipping his house keys into his back pocket. Walking in and leaning down to pet Miyu, Die swore he could see the edge of lace, that being the last straw Die cleared his throat and quickly turned to leave, but it was Shinya's turn to catch his shoulder. Die paused, knowing it would be rude and hurt Shinya's feelings if he didn't.

"Die, at least let me cook you something, you did a great job, and knowing you, you probably forgot to eat." Die's stomach let out a traitorous growl and Die winced, wanting to leave. Shinya smirked, and Die sighed. Shinya turned and picked up Miyu, this time his shirt staying mercifully still. "Come on, I'm guessing you ignored the paper?" Shinya asked and Die laughed sheepishly, knowing that Shinya, when feeling highly insulted was not something to take lightly. Die walked quietly, like a child not yet caught by a parent.

"Are you mad?" Die asked carefully, ready to apologize if needed, not wanting to cause a rift in their already tenuous relationship. "I just thought it would make it easier for you."

"It has, although I still don't like it, it's better than coming to my home with you going through my bedroom." Shinya conceded, not seeing Die's face flush in guilt. "There are personal things there." Shinya added, now realizing he might have sounded rude." But I trust you, so I was only slightly worried." Shinya laughed as he stretched reaching for a glass jar of seasoning, just out of his reach Die waited a moment before stepping behind Shinya and grabbing the jar. Sighing Shinya lowered himself off his tip-toes, slightly irritated by his height.

"Don't feel bad, Kyo would have to climb up to still not reach it." Die teased making Shinya smile. "Can I help with anything?" Die asked, not wanting to be rude and not ask. Shinya shook his head as he opened his fridge and pulled out noodles and other objects Die couldn't see. "Then I'll sit and play with Miyu." Shinya nodded and started cooking.

"Her toys are next to where her grooming is." Shinya informed Die and he nodded. Walking to the living room Die sighed as he sat in the newly cleaned room. Miyu hopped in his lap, curled up and butted her head under Die's hand that was resting on his thigh.

"Hey girl." Die murmured, enjoying Miyu's affectionate lick on his hand. "You like me now huh? Do you like everyone who gives you treats?" Die sighed and shifted, half lying on the couch, moving Miyu to his chest, and holding her there with his hand. Noticing this Shinya peeked out quietly and almost smiled as Die fell asleep, his hard work tiring him out. Shinya placed the pot of water in the sink and put the ingredients away. He had thought Die would fall asleep, and invited him to stay so it wouldn't be on the road. Shinya stretched, deciding as long as Die was asleep, he would take a bath. As Shinya bathed, taking all of the products the stylists had used in his hair out. Meanwhile Miyu jumped down from Die's chest waking the guitarist. Miyu jumping down brought his attention to the paper he had quickly stuck in his front pocket. Pulling the paper out Die started reading them, hearing Shinya in the shower and deciding he would have enough time to read it, in case Shinya asked about it. The page was much like the first paragraph, explaining in detail where to put what, how to clean, what to do during any given situation with Miyu. Die set it on the floor as he turned to the back, confused why he would put so little on the back when there was room on the first.

Die tried to make out the writing, though it seemed that Shinya had scribbled it out. He was only able to read bits and Die grew angry, though not sure why. He wanted to know what the rest was. Die shot up quickly, hearing the door to Shinya's room close. He was out of the shower, great, he would find out even if he had to press the drummer down and beat it out of his teasingly attractive body. Die paused slightly then shook his head continuing, he already knew he found Shinya attractive, why else would he so _relentlessly_ pursue teasing him? Slamming the door to Shinya's room opened Die took a breath and held up the paper to Shinya's wide shocked eyes.

"What is this?" Die asked, taking a step and pausing with each word. He then stopped, taking in what he had rushed into. Shinya had bent to pick up Miyu, his milky slender legs not yet covered, his back facing the door his hair damp and hanging free from confines. His damp white tank top clung to his skin more than usual and had slid up his back, revealing a three inch strip of skin. Die gulped slightly as the laced underwear made a teasing display of his curves, the back only going over half of his cheeks. Shinya, after a second jolted upward and covered himself, accidentally kicking Miyu in his scrabble backward, tripping over the small dog and falling backward giving a cry, Die forgot his anger as Shinya's head solidly collided with his dresser. Sitting between Shinya's slightly sprawled legs Die grasped the back of Shinya's head and pulled it to rest on his chest, checking for serious wounds. "Are you alright Shin?" Die asked, worried that his fit of anger had hurt the drummer. Shinya was frozen, not only had Die seen a secret of his, but in such a lewd way.

"Get off of me." Shinya's voice shook, enraging him further. Die stood shocked himself, Shinya pushed at his chest hard and Die frowned. Pressing his hand on Shinya's upper thigh and using the other to press at Shinya's chest. "Die!" Shinya started fighting, hating how this had turned out. Die ignored his protests and moved the hand on Shinya's chest to his mouth.

"Shinya! One, I already found out you wear girl undies, two I didn't read the back of the page, _or_ much of the first side, three…" Die paused and looked Shinya over. "What the _hell_ does it mean?" Shinya's eyes had widened as Die had to press closer to get the painful pressure off his left knee. Shinya tried scooting back into the dresser as Die slightly towered over him.

"It doesn't mean anything!" They knew he was taking the cowards way out but neither wanted to fully recognize what was deforming the front of Shinya's black silk and white laced underpants. "Leave me alone! Can't you stop tormenting me for one day?" Die paused at that sentence, as did Shinya, in that moment Die sorted out all the slight hints Shinya knew he would catch, the lack of Shinya in a picture alone with anyone else, Shinya letting Die in his apartment, the relaxed but slightly nervous air that always came up when they were alone.

"Shin, Do you-" Die started and Shinya quickly covered his mouth with his hand, Die could have smiled if he wasn't so serious. Die pulled Shinya's hand away. "Like me?" Die finished and Shinya sighed. Looking away from Die Shinya tried again to get away before Die pressed them firmly together; knowing what reaction his body would do as he pressed a kiss to Shinya's mouth. Shinya froze, feeling Die harden, his own heart quickening.

"Stop making fun of me!" Shinya yelled as Miyu barked from her bed as Shinya pushed at Die. Die paused, hurt being reflected in his eyes had Shinya been looking. Die stood slowly as Shinya curled his legs to cover himself. Die felt an odd sort of numbness spread as he realized that with all of the teasing over the years Shinya would never believe him if Die was honest about his feelings. Die turned before stopping, needing to say something, anything.

"I would never _tease_ you about any of this, not when I'm just as guilty." Die left the room before Shinya could say anything more, anything that Die wouldn't be able to hear in his newly emotional state. Shinya stared at the floor before realizing he had in fact jumped to conclusions. Hurriedly rushing out the room he sighed disappointedly as he didn't see Die, only Die's coat, still lying on the seat. Shinya sighed again walking to his room.

"Die! Stop ignoring me!" Shinya shocked the other band members, particularly the three that hadn't been to his house recently and still were under the impression that Shinya would die of happiness were Die to not notice him. Die turned and made his face blank, not wanting to show Shinya how much he had made him question himself. Like what if such events happened again? Die teasing someone he could be viably interested in so much that any chance of relationships was shattered? Shinya recognized the look from others and including the month long cold shoulder snapped Shinya's self-control. He waited too long to tell Die how he felt to have his own stupidity screw it up. Shinya grabbed Die's shirt and pulled hard. Die stumbled forward and Shinya closed his other hand around the back of his head kissing him, Kyo spit out his drink onto Toshiya who yelled and Kaoru broke a pick on his guitar, but Shinya didn't care, all he cared about in that moment was how Die reacted. As he pulled back he could tell he wasn't going to buy that Shinya honestly cared about how this turned out unless he went completely out of character. "Sleep with me, then see if you can leave so coldly." There was almost audible tension between the two and Kaoru wisely ushered the other two band members out and called off practice for the day, leading everyone out of the nearby area. Shinya in the same time didn't break eye-contact with Die, this again being against his usual actions to look away, his chest usually pounding with lust when he looked too long. "Can you do that Diasuke?" Shinya was challenging Die, both of them knew it, they knew the only answer Die could think of as well.

"I don't want to." Die lied, and from the slight groan in his voice as Shinya's nails dug into his skin Shinya knew he was lying.

"I want to." Shinya's voice was full of conviction, no longer shaking. "I want you to want me so bad you'll feel guilty about thinking of taking me on a table in a meeting or onstage." Shinya tightened his grip on Die's neck knowing the man would stop edging away out of respect if nothing else. "On the table right behind you perhaps." Seeing no obvious reaction Shinya tried another tactic. "Do you want to know which one I'm wearing today?" Shinya purred out and Die's eyes grew darker, earning a subtle grin to Shinya's face as he moved closer in the most seductive way he could think of. "It's a red silk thong, but it doesn't feel nearly as _good_," Shinya had pushed Die onto the table behind him as the guitarist gulped heavily. "So _close_ to a certain area as say…" Shinya, though his mind, that small logical part way in the back, told him to stop he ran his hands over Die's jean covered crotch.

"Stop!" Die's voice cracked loudly as he shouted as his hands rocketed to grab Shinya's hands. Shinya swallowed heavily as Die backed away. "Stop forcing yourself on me." Shinya frowned and launched himself at Die and pressed himself to the taller male as he kissed him.

"I'm not!" Shinya muttered twice kissing Die with all that he had, desperate for his plan to work. He didn't know if he could take Die rejecting him after Shinya putting himself out there. As Die shockingly stood still trying to think Shinya backed away slowly, unsure of his actions, out of his comfort zone by the whole scenario Shinya, in his discomfort didn't notice the small smile starting on Die's face and turned and gathered his things. "This is a mistake, I'm sorry." Shinya turned and left as Die hurriedly tried to think of a reply without coming up with anything. Kaoru walked in a few minutes after Shinya left, shocked to not find Die in the best of moods. Kaoru sighed and swatted the back of Die's head harshly.

"You idiot! Shinya's liked you for years and you the supreme idiot you are just let him get away?" Kaoru glared at Die and watched him as Die jolted to run out of the door. As Toshiya walked up behind him Kaoru leaned back and sighed, crossing his arms. "Idiot is going to kill himself someday." Kaoru commented and Toshiya nodded draping his arms over the top of Kaoru's shoulders. Sniffing slightly Toshiya leaned to settle his weight on Kaoru.

"Like you were so much better." Toshiya in one sentence broke the almost peaceful feeling Kaoru had brought around himself, like a shepherd to his fellow members pointing them in the right direction. Kaoru scoffed and pushed Toshiya off of him who smiled.

Shinya pressed himself against his bedroom door. A smothering feeling crawled from the darker parts of his mind and threatened to engulf him as the sound of Miyu scratching to be let in his room drowned out to white noise. He had _flung_ himself like a prostitute at Die, like a harlot, a _slut_. No wonder the guitarist had pushed him away! Shinya wanted to find somewhere dark and solitary and curl up away from what he had done. Meanwhile Die had let himself in with the key he had been too upset to give back to Shinya, though if he was honest with himself, he would know he didn't _want_ to give it back. Die looked through the living room and kitchen, every time he entered a new room expecting to face the full force of anger or bitterness. After all he had but assaulted Shinya half naked in his own house then proceeded to ignore the drummer as if _Shinya_ had done something wrong, then when Shinya had so _obviously_ gone out of his way and comfort to patch things up Die pushed him away. Die noticed Miyu scratching half frantically at Shinya's bedroom door Die knew that's where the delicate Drummer had gone. Die tapped lightly at the door hearing a slight thump, no doubt from him startling Shinya.

"Shinya." Die called out softly hearing small sounds from the bedroom. "I'm coming in Shin." Die opened the door to see Shinya curled near the door; his strawberry blond hair swirled on the floor behind him. Shinya opened his eyes to look at Die before closing them again.

"Go away; I don't want you making fun of me." Shinya muttered and Die sighed as he realized Shinya had retreated behind his shell until he could deal with his problems.

"I didn't want you forcing an emotion, that's what I meant earlier. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about yourself." Die crouched down near Shinya and spoke softly. Shinya didn't respond and Die moved to sit against the door. Miyu scratching frustrated against the door as she was set out again. Die reached and brought Shinya's unwilling body against him. Shinya stayed unresponsive to Die, making the guitarist sigh. "At least listen to me would you?" Die asked frustrated. Shinya opened his eyes, though he wouldn't look at Die. "I didn't know you liked me for so long, I didn't even really want to admit how I felt about you and…I'm sorry." Die sighed. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to decide to come clean about how I felt about you. I just honestly didn't think you would like me after what I did." Shinya didn't speak though moved closer to him and resting his head against Die's strong chest. Shinya started shaking lightly shaking and Die frowned as he held Shinya tighter. "I'm sorry." Die murmured and waited for Shinya's emotions to finally calm down as the drummer sat in his arms. Die knew Shinya resisted being treated as something breakable but Die couldn't help it in this moment.

"Okay." His voice shook slightly and he didn't look at Die, but Die was just happy Shinya responded. After a moment Shinya started tearing slightly and tried his best to stop them despite his growing stress and frustration that had been bottled up to stop the tears.

"Act how you want with me Shin, I won't tell anyone." Die shifted to rest comfortably against the door and pulled Shinya to rest against him. "Just be mine and only god will know." Die half pleaded and Shinya glanced at Die before a slow grin spread on his face as Die glanced down at Shinya before resuming his nonchalant face. Not fooled Shinya leaned up and kissed Die's cheek softly, lingering slightly as a slight blush stole over the other's features.

"Only god…and us." Shinya fixed making Die grin and hold him closer.


End file.
